Shades of Twilight
by Celyia
Summary: Forced to fight for her survival and that of an innocent, Hitomi must face that which she has long told herself could never be. ( Van / Hitomi )
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** _Shades of Twilight_  
**Rating:** PG   
**Note:**Oi. I submit my apologies now for using such an often-used vehicle but I couldn't resist! By the bye, I'm sorry if you don't like Hitomi's characterization. The story only will work if she's suitably jaded, so bear with me? I've so been dying to get this story out. I hope you like it! Let me know what you think? Please? Thanks!   
  
By the bye, if you see inconsistencies or misspellings of names, please ignore em! I haven't watched Escaflowne in such a long time that I'm going completely off memory and that memory will undoubtedly be flawed. Forgive me!   
  
-Celyia   
  


* * *

  
  
**Chapter 1**   
  
  
  
"Happy birthday, Hitomi!"   
  
The girls in the office crowded around me, almost as if I was a celebrity. Plastering a huge grin on my face, I sniffed markedly at the bouquet of freshly purchased daisies shoved into my hands.   
  
"Guys! You shouldn't have!" I smiled, hugging each girl in turn with my free arm. Making a show of sniffing the flowers one last time, I shoved the stems into the water bottle that's always at my desk.   
  
"We nearly didn't!" One of the girls, a small brunette with hair almost as short as I used to keep mine, complained. Shining brown eyes scolded me playfully as she tapped me on my shoulder. "You didn't tell us your birthday was today."   
  
"I forgot," I muttered. Useless. They already were so busy chatting among themselves that I don't think they heard me.   
  
Isn't that amazing? I honestly had forgotten. I had just turned twenty-five, but it didn't seem to be so important, you know? It's strange how things can change so much. When I was a kid, the prospect of my birthday would make me sleepless for a week ahead of time. There seemed to be something so neat about birthdays, then. Maybe it's the idea that you are one year closer to being an adult, or maybe it's in anticipation of gifts and acknowledgment of your existence. I really don't know. But somewhere along the line, the old feeling of magic I used to associate with my birth just seemed to have died a cruel and unheralded death.   
  
Oh, I just hate that word. Magic, you know.   
  
People use it all the time. "Holiday magic". "Oh, our date was magical!" All of it's hocus-pocus and fiddle-faddle. Don't get me wrong. There was once a time that I wished that magic was real, but then...   
  
Well, I grew up. I went to college. I got a job.   
  
And I finally let the sleeping dogs lie.   
  
"So what are your plans for tonight?" one of the girls asked, her cute little snub nose wrinkling with curiousity.   
  
"I'm going out for dinner with my family," I lied, knowing they would never leave me alone if they knew I planned to go home and fall asleep on my bed. I seriously had not gotten enough sleep lately and I figured my birthday would be the perfect time to catch up.   
  
"That's cool," Snub-nose gushed as she leaned into one of her cohorts. "What do you guys have planned for tonight?"   
  
And so they talked, eagerly chattering over my desk as I tried to work.   
  
Didn't get much done. Dammit. But it's pretty hard to worry about arithmetic when you have a gaggle of girls standing over you gossiping about their little lives. Amazing how anyone could feel so alone even when there are people so close by, isn't it?   
  
"The boss!" one of the girls whispered and suddenly, I was left in peace. Finally. The last thing I wanted was to have to take my work home with me tonight when all I wanted to do was sleep.   
  
Of course, Mama does keep telling me I sleep too much. What I don't get is how she knows. She's not around. I live in my own apartment in a district that isn't even that close to hers. I guess Mama is psychic that way.   
  
Okay, now that's embarrassing. Good way to get everyone's attention, Hitomi. Luckily, random giggling (and even talking to one's self) isn't that unusual in this office so they'll forget I just laughed out loud to myself.   
  
You see, though, there's this thing in my family where I got a couple crazy relatives who think they are all psychic. Now that's embarrassing as hell. If anyone found out about that, I'd just ... well, I'd just die. That psychic stuff really does play on your mind, you know? I mean, there was a time when even I thought I was psychic. I mean, you couldn't find me without my dumb tarot cards or a horoscope in hand. I even managed to convince most of the kids at my high school that I had the ability, too. Scary, huh?   
  
Actually, that's nothing. You want to hear scary?   
  
What if I were to tell you that I lost nearly an entire semester of school?   
  
I can't remember what the hell happened. Well, that's not entirely true. I have memories but they aren't real. They can't be. I have months of delusions hiding in my brain, events that I had somehow convinced myself that actually happened.   
  
Stuff that feels real even though I know they can't be.   
  
What's scarier than knowing my mental state is so flawed that I could become even crazier than my "psychic" relatives?   
  
Nothing I've seen so far.   
  
I think that's why I like (well, maybe the word "like" isn't the one I should use. "Appreciate" would be better) being an accountant. Numbers don't change. They aren't subjective. One plus one will always equal two.   
  
In short, numbers are not magical.   
  
And I so need that in my life.   
  
"Kanzaki-san," the soft voice of my boss suddenly startled me. I wonder how long she had been standing behind me. God, I really hate it when I blush. It makes me look guilty and honestly! I had been working.   
  
"Yes, Ma'am?"   
  
"Miyuta-san informed me that today is your birthday," the tall but dainty woman started.   
  
I shot a look over to Snub-nose. Oh, I'd love to wipe that smirk off her carefully made-up face. I know she meant well, but dammit, I didn't want anyone to know.   
  
"Yes, Ma'am."   
  
"I regret you fell through the cracks, Kanzaki-san. You are a good worker and I'd hate for you to think that we don't appreciate you," the woman smiled, placing a hand on my shoulder.   
  
God, not the party. Not the party. Not the party...   
  
"It's too late in the day to plan the office party."  
  
Thank god!  
  
"But we can arrange that for tomorrow."  
  
I didn't mean to. I really didn't. I mean, I know I kind of sound like a bitch so I want to really stress that I appreciate their kindness. All of them. Even old Snub-nose. But the thing is, I really hate parties. There's nothing worse than just standing there like an idiot, socializing with people you don't know and probably never will.   
  
It's a waste of time.   
  
But really, I didn't mean to sigh. I know it's rude, but it just came out.   
  
"Not to your liking, Kanzaki-san?" my boss asked. I couldn't tell if she were amused or pissed. Either way, I was (once again) too embarrassed to look her in the eye. "Hmm. Well, we can work around that. How about if I let you go home a little early? With a full day's pay? Does that sound better?"   
  
I looked up at her. She really was serious!   
  
"But the Naragashi project...? It's due ..."  
  
"We presently employ twelve accountants, Kanzaki-san. It won't be difficult to find one to finish off the rest of the project and in lieu of the party, I'm certain they'd be happy to."   
  
Wow.   
  
I never thought they'd let me go home early. That doesn't really happen much around here. The parties were encouraged because they inspire teamwork in a place that demands it in order to survive, but I guess I'm really not that much of a team player.   
  
It's really hard to be when you find yourself wanting to be alone. That's the thing about being a loner- once you live that way for long enough, you can't imagine living any other way.   
  
"Thank you so much!" I gushed, putting it on a little thick. Couldn't hurt, right? I mean, maybe if I made a fool of myself, she would forget my rudeness from before. (I still felt a little bad about that.)  
  
"Ah, it's quite all right. Just make a note so whomever I give the project to will know where you were and everything should be fine." With a bright smile, my boss walked off, undoubtedly pleased at her good deed.   
  
Oh, I don't mean it like that, really. I'm pretty lucky. I work with good people even if they are a little bit on the nosey side. But they are nice enough, you know?   
  
Happily (what could possibly spoil my mood now?), I scribbled out a little note. I mean, I had done most of the Naragashi project and while I did kinda hate the idea of allowing someone else to finish it, I hated the idea of having an office party starring me more. Within minutes, I was out of the freshly painted door, almost blissfully headed for home.   
  
Had I known what awaited me there, I probably would have just insisted on going to the dumb office party. But then again, maybe not.   
  
  
  
**Note:** Eeek. Slow start, but things begin to happen in the next chapter! Thanks!   
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** _Shades of Twilight_  
**Rating:** PG   
**Note:**At first, I was going to wait to upload this chapter, but I got all impatient. :-) The first chapter, as necessary as it is, strikes me as being pretty uninteresting. This one isn't great, but it does put the story in motion. Woo hoo!  
  
If you get the opportunity, let me know what you think? Thanks! :-)   
  
-Celyia   
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
**Chapter 2**   
  
  
  
I love my bed.  
  
I probably spent way too much money on it. Okay, fine. I did spend way too much money on it, but it was so worth it. I mean, I was the one who had to live there so I'm the one who should be able to choose what my home looked like, right?  
  
As true as that is, though, my apartment still horrified my Mama. I mean, there was nothing really bad about it. It was just a little ... well, on the undecorated side. Mama said (repeatedly) that its Spartan but I'd have to disagree. I have a couple of things in there- all the important stuff, anyway. Bed. Table. Dishes. Well, a dish, anyway.  
  
Anything else would just be clutter. And man, I hate clutter.  
  
So what that I've been living out of a suitcase for the last few years? Dressers and drawers just added to the mess. This way, at least, I knew exactly where everything was (what's so bad about having a couple of neat piles of clothes sitting on top of my suitcase? Mama almost seems to think that it's a criminal transgression!) and could get dressed. Fast. Gave me a lot more time to sleep that way.  
  
Speaking of sleep ...  
  
I could see my water bottle filled with the daisies from where I lay. Boring things, aren't they? So simple with their white petals and yellow hearts that sat on top of slender, green stems. Yet, I couldn't stop looking at them.  
  
I don't think anyone has ever given me flowers before.  
  
Naaah. My mama doesn't count.  
  
Other than that, though, I've never had a boyfriend. I didn't really talk to anyone, well, not since Amano married Yukari and they moved to Germany. That was undoubtedly for the best, you know? I missed them, sure, but now I had my own life.   
  
And a brand new start.  
  
No one knew me here. No one at all. No one knew that I once disappeared for several months. No one knew that I used to be considered the local psychic. And no one cared.  
  
There's a certain safety in anonymity. It keeps you from having to explain things you'd rather just forget.  
  
And now that Amano and Yukari were gone, I could forget.  
  
Too bad it hadn't worked out that way.  
  
Lately, for the last couple of weeks, every time I would close my eyes, I'd see him. I'd try to sleep and I'd hear him calling my name, begging me to return and asking why I hadn't.  
  
It broke my heart.  
  
And the guy didn't even exist!  
  
Van Fanel was nothing more than a figment of a lonely and slightly psychotic girl's imagination.  
  
End of story.  
  
So why the hell did he have the power to make me cry?  
  
God, it was cold in there. I needed more blankets, really.  
  
  
  
I hadn't even realized that I had fallen asleep. The next thing I knew, I was looking at the ceiling in my darkened room. The sun had to have gone down hours ago but I hadn't yet bothered setting the time on my clock so I had not a clue what time it was.  
  
I flipped my pillow over (there's nothing more annoying than sleeping with your face trapped on the tearstains) and watched the way that the green light from the clock flickered in the darkness. I could see the reflection even on my ceiling.   
  
On.  
  
Off.  
  
On.  
  
Off.  
  
I really got to set that damn clock sometime. It had been flickering "12:00" since I bought it about six months before.  
  
But it just didn't seem important enough to bother moving for right then. So I lay there, watching the impromptu lightshow on the rust-stained ceiling.  
  
I wished he existed.  
  
Yet, I was glad he didn't. I wasn't sure what I'd do if my time was no longer my own. I like my alone time. Really. If there was one thing about watching other people I had noticed, it would be that. Once a man entered your life, everything changed. No longer could you come and go as you pleased, doing as you will. No. You were now accountable to someone.  
  
I didn't want that. I didn't want that at all.  
  
I hated crying.  
  
But I hated being alone even more.  
  
"You aren't alone, Hitomi," a gentle voice whispered, the masculine tone penetrating my thoughts like a sharp arrow.  
  
"Folken?" I sat up, looking around the dim room carefully. Reflexively, my hand shot out to turn on the lamp that was no longer there. That's right. I hadn't bothered to replace it after I broke it last year.  
  
"Dammit. Who's there?" I demanded, forcing my voice to sound strong and able. It couldn't have been Folken, I told myself as I concentrated on keeping my hands from shaking. I nearly succeeded, too.  
  
"You've never been alone, Hitomi." As stupid as it sounds, I could almost hear the smile on his lips.  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
He stepped from the shadows, the eerie green light highlighting his pallid face.  
  
"You know who I am, Hitomi," Folken smiled, his eyes full of a kind of peace that I had never seen anyone possess before. Never.  
  
"You don't exist."  
  
I scooted far back in my bed, until my back was pressed up against the wall. Maybe if I closed my eyes?  
  
God help me. I don't want to be crazy. I really don't want to be insane.  
  
"I suppose I don't," Folken chuckled, that innate sweetness that seemed to exude from him almost forcing me to open my eyes.  
  
I guess a part of me had always liked Van's older brother.  
  
"If, that is, you consider death the end to existence. As for me, though," Folken said as I felt him sit down on the bed next to me, "I don't think my existence mattered all that much until then."  
  
"But Van loved you!" I shot out. Wait a minute. No holding conversations with figments of your imagination, Hitomi. Good way to end up wearing one of those oh-so-fashionable white coats with the _really_ long sleeves.  
  
Cool, thin fingers gently pried my hands away from my eyes.  
  
"Hitomi, look at me. I only have a few minutes."  
  
"No."  
  
"I always knew beneath that sweet exterior hid a stubborn nature," he chuckled, still holding my hands in his. Hell, what am I doing?  
  
I pulled my hands back, only to glare at the man.  
  
It wasn't until then that I actually saw him. I mean, really saw him.  
  
"Death is a pretty wondrous thing, as incredible in its own way as life," Folken explained, almost nervously.   
  
Perhaps he said more. I'll never know. All I knew is that I had an angel standing before me, as beautiful as anything I had ever dreamed. All the sorrow had fled his eyes, defeating the ghosts that had haunted him for so long, until only kindness and love remained. Death had smoothed away the calluses and kissed away the scars until all that stood before me was Folken's soul, in all its glory. For one beautiful moment, my fears of impending insanity dissolved away until the only thing that mattered was the yesterday that I tried so hard to forget.  
  
"Look," he smiled, boyish pleasure on his face as he showed me his fully human hand. "I have a second chance, Hitomi. I have the chance to right all the wrongs I caused while I was Folken. I have a chance to make the world a better place instead of letting my bitterness at my failures corrupt me. I have the chance to make things _right_. But I only have a small window of opportunity before this chance goes away forever, Hitomi."  
  
He squeezed my hand gently, his human hand looking so strange clasping my own. When had he taken my hand again?  
  
"Help me. Please?"  
  
Did I nod? Perhaps I even said yes. I don't know, honestly. All I remember is the look of happiness on his face as he embraced me with all his strength. It would be a look I would treasure in my heart forever.  
  
"What do I do?"  
  
My hands were shaking again. Dammit.  
  
His kissed my forehead, the touch soft and loving as he gently pushed me back against the bed.  
  
"It's okay, Hitomi. Don't cry. No more tears. You'll never be alone again," Folken whispered, his voice soothing. Suddenly, he winced in pain as he stumbled against the bed.  
  
"Folken?"  
  
His colouring didn't look very good, at all. Undoubtedly, the green light from the clock didn't do much to help, but there was something wrong.  
  
Something major.  
  
"What's going on, Folken-san?"  
  
He just shook his head sadly as he looked at me, his hand placed chastely over my heart as he nudged me back down on the bed.  
  
"I don't have much time. They are trying to summon my soul. If they figure out what happened... "  
  
_Now just wait a minute!_  
  
"What in the hell are you talking about?" I demanded, only to watch his thin lips turn up in a small smile.  
  
"I'm sorry, Hitomi. I didn't mean to drag you into this. I'm so sorry."  
  
"You'll be a lot sorrier if you don't explain to me what's going on," I grumbled, only to regret my tone as the poor man stumbled again. No. He was in pain. It hurt him a lot more than he was trying to let on.  
  
"Shhh. It will be done in a moment. A moment is all I need and that's more than they can spare. I'm sorry for all the trouble and pain this will cause you."  
  
"Will you please stop apologizing and just explain?"  
  
I hate it when people do that. It's like just tell me so I know what I'm dealing with already. I don't like surprises.  
  
"No time. Lie down, Hitomi. I can't do this with you sitting up," he smiled weakly. It didn't take a genius to realize he was exerting himself to his max.  
  
"I think you are the one who needs to lie down," I responded. He looked like he was going to drop at any moment. Cautiously, I touched his forearm, only to be startled by the cool feel.  
  
"Stubborn, stubborn girl," he chuckled, leaning over me. "You won't leave it alone, will you? But that's okay. It's who you are and who, I hope, you'll remain." Folken smiled sadly, his hand cupping my cheek as he stared into my eyes. "I see why my brother loves you so much."  
  
His lips felt soft but sweet as he pressed them against my own. A kiss. _Folken_ was giving me a kiss?  
  
But it wasn't sexual. It didn't promise sensuality. It didn't speak of crushes or lust or any of that insignificant stuff.  
  
It sang of love. Pure, innocent love directed at me. Only at me.  
  
I couldn't move. I lay there helplessly, watching as Folken stood above me with some strange emotion clouding his eyes.  
  
"Hitomi. Thank you. I owe you everything."  
  
With a flash of light, he disappeared. Every trace of the tall man vanished before my stunned eyes. Every trace but one.  
  
Slowly, gracefully, a small white feather floated lazily upon the air. Bathing in the digital green light, it glided to my stomach, its touch as loving and heartbreaking as the kiss I had received from the man I had barely known. With a jolt, I screamed as the pain coursed through every nerve of my body.  
  
But I could feel him still there, in a different form, as the feather slowly merged with my body, almost as if he were holding my head, whispering words of comfort. The pain forgotten, I placed a hand on my stomach, my heart feeling more at peace now than it ever had in my entire lifetime.   
  
  
  
**Note:** Okay. It's different. I admit it. It's a weird story. I applaud you if you actually read the entire thing. Curiously enough, this is not a Folken/Hitomi story. Everything here was supposed to be pretty innocent. Anyway, if you have the time, please let me know what you think! Though this is intended to be a Van/Hitomi story, in truth, that's pretty much up to you guys. I'll have fun writing this either way. Thanks so much!   
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Shades of Twilight  
**Author:** Celyia (cel@celyia.com)  
**Note:** Thanks to those who have responded. :-) I cant tell you how much it helps to hear your thoughts... and know that someone is listening to mine. It was a hard decision to make, but I decided to make this a Van/Hitomi fic. Why? Well, for one, I love Van. :-) Secondly, if I'm going to make a Folken/Hitomi fic, I want it to be right from the start. So my apologies to those of you who wanted to see the pairing. I already have an idea floating in my head for a possible story, but only one at a time!   
  
First person narrative isn't usually the most popular narrative form out there. Strangely enough, though, it's the one I like to use whenever I'm doing an emotional piece. I've never, though, tried before using it in a serial. This is pretty odd but I really like the way it's turning out. In its own, humble way, this one attempts to become one of my more mature pieces.   
  
Cross your fingers and hope with me that maybe it will succeed. Thanks!   
  
-Cel.   
  


* * *

  
  
**Chapter 3**   
  
  
  
There's nothing more annoying than throwing up in the morning right after you just changed into your last pair of clean work clothes.   
  
I kneeled there, my head dangling over the porcelain seat as I felt the bile pulsate through my body, teasing my sore throat, as it demanded to be loosed.   
  
I held onto the sides of the bowl, sweating as my small breakfast rumbled threateningly in my stomach.   
  
Damn, I hated having the flu.   
  
Most people get it for three days. Maybe five at most. But me? I had it for two weeks straight. I wasn't used to being sick. I didn't like being sick, and I must admit being an athlete for most of my life spoiled me. I liked the boosted immunities that athletics offered.   
  
And now, as I leaned over the toilet with my hair all stringy from exertion, I missed that natural immunity big time.   
  
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand as I paused to consider what would be less offensive- showing up to work in casual clothes or showing up to work in clothes that reeked of vomit?   
  
Dammit. I knew I should have done my laundry last night.   
  
Unsteadily, I moved to the shower, barely bothering to throw off my clothes as I jumped under the steady stream of hot water. I'd be a little damp by the time I got to the office, but at least I wouldn't smell.   
  
Well, as long as I could keep from throwing up again, anyway.   
  
Quickly, I washed my hair, grumbling at the added effort it took to clean the hair that I allowed to grow to my shoulders over the past few years. At least I hadn't grown it out to my waist or something. I suspect that would take forever to wash and right then, I needed to be out of the house in less than 10 minutes if I didn't want to be late.   
  
By the time I was somewhat dried off and dressed in clothes that were a bit too casual to wear to an accounting firm, a good fifteen minutes had passed.   
  
"Hitomi Kanzaki?" a distinctly male voice called out as I jogged to the bus stop. One of these days, I really needed to buy a car. Ignoring the man, I continued.   
  
"I don't wish to take up too much of your time, but your mother sent me this way, Kanzaki-san," he started, moving directly in front of me.   
  
Yeah. This was all I needed.   
  
"You've caught me at a bad time," I tried to keep my voice polite even as I pushed passed the muscular man. "I'm running late to work."   
  
"It will only take a moment of your time, Kanzaki-san," he insisted. "I will even give you a ride if you are willing to discuss matters with me."   
  
Was that a bribe?   
  
He had about 2.2 seconds before he learned that was a very good way to piss me off.   
  
"The bus is good enough, if you'll excuse me."  
  
He grabbed my upper arm, his grip strong as an iron vise as he forced me to look at him.   
  
"The car would be a lot more convenient," the man grumbled, his deep brown eyes flashing a sort of impatience I really didn't like. Pushy bastard. Just because he's cute he probably thinks he can get away with murder.   
  
"Get your hands off of me," I demanded, staring at him even as I tightened my hand into a fist. If he thought... oh, hell, he so had another thing coming.   
  
"I don't mean to offend," the man sighed, letting go of my arm. "But this is of utmost importance."   
  
I didn't have time for this.   
  
Rolling my eyes, I ran off, pleased at the ease of my escape from Mr. Demanding.   
  
It wasn't until I got on the bus that it dawned on me that he knew my name.   
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
"Are you okay, Kanzaki-san?" Snub-nose asked, her eyes narrowed with concern.   
  
"Yeah, it's cool. Thanks for asking," I waved my hand, hoping the girl would get the hint. Determinedly, I turned down to my work.   
  
Three months had passed since my birthday, but you'd never know it. Projects came and went, but otherwise, everything remained the same.   
  
I didn't know whether to be comforted by that or terrified.   
  
"You look really pale," Snub-nose persisted, leaning over my desk in a pushy manner. "You're a lot stronger than me, but two weeks of having the flu is just too much. You are gonna work yourself to death if you aren't careful."   
  
If I was only so lucky.   
  
Sighing, I looked up at the girl, it chaffing my ego to admit that the emotion in her eyes was concern and not just curiousity.   
  
"Miyuta-san." Wow. I actually remembered Snub-nose's real name, "I'm okay. Really."   
  
She looked at me in open disbelief. Shaking her head, she just walked away, undoubtedly giving me up for as a lost cause.   
  
Truth was, I wasn't all that okay. I hadn't been ... not since that ... since my relapse. For three months I wondered when the next time I'd descend into insanity. For three months it haunted me, knowing that I'd never be cured. Knowing it was only a matter of time. I mean, I had to be so screwed up. After all, it wasn't even just a figment of my imagination that had paid me the late-night birthday visit- it was a dead figment of my imagination.   
  
Doesn't that just beat all?   
  
Work didn't come easily after that. I tried to lose myself in the nice safety of numbers, but it wouldn't come. All I could think about was the joy on the dead man's face.   
  
And the intense, almost overpowering desire to see Van again. Even if he was just a figment of my imagination, I _missed_ him.   
  
"Kanzaki-san," my boss snapped, her pretty eyes impatient as she looked me over appraisingly. "You've come to work. Sick. Again. Can't you get it through your head the kind of trouble you cause when you do this?"   
  
There was something scary about the woman when she was angry. Maybe it was because she was usually so nice and helpful. Or maybe it was just the way her eyes gleamed.   
  
"I'm sorry, Ma'am."   
  
The woman grunted as she pulled up a chair to sit next to me. Slender arms folded across my desk as her normally cheery face squinted into a glare.   
  
"Don't be sorry. Call in sick. You are given two weeks of paid sick leave a year and I expect you to use it instead of exposing my employees with your contagions. Each worker you get sick because of your inability to admit to your weakness costs me money. You're an accountant. What happens when I lose money?"   
  
I winced, unwilling to answer the question.   
  
"Go on, Kanzaki. Tell me what happens when I lose money."   
  
"You will eventually have to lay off employees."   
  
Man, that's a guilt trip.   
  
"That's right. I eventually will have to lay people off. Do you think I want to do that? No. I like my workers. I even like you, Kanzaki. Well, okay. I don't think I like you very much now since you are jeopardizing everyone's security with your thoughtlessness, but for the most part, I like you very much."   
  
Somehow, it was hard to believe her with her lips twisted like that.   
  
"Now you listen to me. You pick up that phone. Call a doctor. Make an appointment. For today. Then you pack up your things and go home. And don't you dare show your face here until you are nice and healthy. Understand?"   
  
"Understood, Ma'am."   
  
My boss just exhaled loudly, forcing the air out from between the gap in her front teeth as she watched me.   
  
"Hitomi, you're a good girl," she sighed. "But you really got to get things together. I don't know what happened in your life to drain your entire will, but you got to get past it. Everyone has a sob story, Hitomi. Everyone. And the truth is, no one cares. Because, in the end, it doesn't matter how you were hurt, what matters is whether you triumph over it or if you allow it to triumph over you."   
  
She stood suddenly, her face reddened, almost as if she were embarrassed by her speech.   
  
I couldn't blame her. I was pretty damn embarrassed, too.   
  
Wonder if she got that little gem off a fortune cookie.   
  
Mreow. Retract those claws, Hitomi.   
  
I stood there, packing up my things, intent on resigning from my job the second I came back. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to deal with Snub-nose's concern. I didn't want to deal with my boss.   
  
Why couldn't I have just worked at a normal place that didn't give a damn about those people they employed?   
  
"This is Hitomi Kanzaki," I muttered into the phone. "I'm feeling kind of ill and was wondering if it was possible to ... oh, wonderful. Um. Today? Right now? It will take me at least 20 minutes to get there, though. Oh, okay. Well, I'll see you in 20. Thanks for everything..."   
  
Great. That was exactly what I needed. Sighing as I threw everything into my briefcase, I spared a look for no one as I slowly walked towards the door.   
  
With a grunt, I hurried out of the building and made my way to the doctor's office.   
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
The receptionist reminded me of Mama, with her big eyes and caring smile. The last person I wanted to think about was Mama, though.   
  
She'd be so disappointed in me if she knew.   
  
I flipped through the magazine, hoping that they'd call me quickly. I didn't want to be there and the sooner they gave me a flu shot, the happier I'd be.   
  
"Kanzaki-san?" a nurse peeked out of the door, gleaming in her bright white uniform and matching smile, almost like bleached sunshine.   
  
"That's me," I said, standing up with a little difficulty. Man. When did I start feeling so weak?   
  
She spoke happily, her words a comforting blur, as she led me to the small office where I would wait for the doctor. Perhaps coming to the doctor wasn't such a bad idea after all I mean, I was so sick and tired of being, well, sick and tired.   
  
"The doctor will be in to see you in a few moments," the nurse said happily as she rolled up my sleeve.   
  
Man, I tried to keep from wincing as the cuff tightened around my arm.   
  
"Well, your blood pressure is fine," the nurse hummed softly as she brought out a disposable thermometer. "Open your mouth for me, please."   
  
"Temperature is only slightly higher than normal. And you say you have the flu?"   
  
"For two weeks now."   
  
I knew I shouldn't have come in.   
  
"When was the last time you had a check-up?"   
  
I couldn't even remember.   
  
"Two years ago, I think," I lied. She didn't even notice.   
  
"It's short notice, but I'll need a urine sample, then."   
  
A trip to the restroom and a couple minutes later, I handed the small container back to Nurse Sunshine.   
  
"Okay, just relax, Kanzaki-san. The doctor will be with you soon."   
  
I watched her leave, the container of liquid in her gloved hand as she went merrily on her way. I guess I hadn't expected to see someone who enjoyed her job so much. It was almost sad.   
  
I mean, I like the office and I like my coworkers, but I really didn't live for being an accountant.   
  
But Sunshine seemed to live for being a nurse, urine samples and all.   
  
In a sad sort of way, that's an easy thing to be envious of.   
  
"So, Kanzaki-san..."   
  
The voice startled me.   
  
"Yes, Doctor?" I asked, my voice suitably humble as the tall, skinny man with the balding head entered the room.   
  
"So I hear you have been feeling under the weather?" he asked, almost sounding as cheery as Nurse Sunshine. Great.   
  
"Yes, sir."   
  
"For two weeks?"   
  
"Yes, sir."   
  
"Hmm. So why do you think you have the flu? You don't have a fever and your blood pressure is normal."   
  
He chuckled as he noticed my frown.   
  
"No, I don't think you are a hypochondriac, Kanzaki-san. I just want to hear your symptoms."   
  
"Well, I've been feeling a bit weak lately. And I've been throwing up practically every morning."   
  
"Hmm. Well, that is a worry. Two weeks, you say? Your throat must be pretty sore. Your esophagus really isn't made for that much activity."   
  
"Yeah," I grumbled. I so didn't want to be there. "It hurts a bit."   
  
"Well, try not to force your voice too much. The last thing you need to do is strain it. Ah, Nurse! Thank you!" the doctor smiled as Nurse Sunshine returned back into the room. Frowning slightly, she handed a clipboard to the older man.   
  
"Hmm. Kanzaki-san, you put on the form that you are not sexually active."   
  
Sexually active? _Me?_ Yeah, right.   
  
"I'm not."   
  
The doctor sighed as he leaned against the immaculate counter, the gray-rimmed glasses falling down the bridge of his nose.   
  
"I can only help you if you are open and honest with me," the man frowned as he tapped the cheap clipboard with a manicured nail. "If you aren't sexually active, young lady, then why are you pregnant?"   
  
  
  


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**Note:** Oi. That was pretty predictable, huh? :-)   
  
**Response to Reviews:**   
  
**Ali:** Sorry! I feel a little bad that I'm not making this F/H since you were my first reviewer and requested it! Hope you can forgive me! Just for that, I _promise_ I'll write one soon!  
**Esca chick:** Cute name. :-) Thanks so much for the great little ego boost. I soooo needed that! (I was feeling a little bad thinking no one liked this.) Muahaha. Hope you like what happens!  
**Xelena:** Thanks so much! I do so appreciate you taking the time to review. :-)  
**KoshiMoero:** Yay!!! I can't tell you how happy I was to read your review. There's nothing more exciting than having someone tell you that they don't feel what you've written was a waste of time. Okay. I'm uploading this next part now. Maybe if I'm lucky, you'll get to read this ASAP.  
  
  
To all of you, regardless whether you choose to review or not, thank you for reading!   



	4. Chapter 4

  
  
  
**Note:** Bleh. I don't have energy to write but I wanted to put _something_ out today. So I decided to go ahead and release this first part. It really isn't much but hopefully it will renew some of my interest in writing. :-) Thanks for reading!   
  
-Cel.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
**Chapter 4 **   
  
  
I don't like surprises.  
  
The ride home was pretty long. Luckily, I didn't have to change buses. All I had to do was sit there and watch the scenery fly by for a little over an hour.  
  
Yeah, right. Like I'd really watch the scenery at a time like this.   
  
It's funny, really. Logically, it's a matter of simple biology: one cell splits into two and each of these new cells split once again. The cycle continues on and on until BAM! there's a brand new human being is just waiting to be born.  
  
Just simple biology   
  
Except for right now, it didn't seem to be so simple.  
  
How could I be carrying a brand new life inside of me? The idea was intimidating yet exciting as hell at the same time. There was another being inside of me: complete with a tiny heart that circulated blood through an impossible small body. A few more months and then the ten tiny fingers would start forming. Then the hair would grow. And then, eventually, he'd start to think and feel and _live_.  
  
God. That was going on inside of _me_.   
  
I had to kind of laugh. It was like my hand was magnetically connected to my belly: I'd pull my hand away, yet the next time I looked down, my palm would be resting on my stomach. Heh. Still flat, too. You'd never know I was probably about three months pregnant.  
  
Not that I could blame you. After all, I had no clue.  
  
How could I possibly be pregnant?   
  
Before I even knew it, I was lining up to get off the bus. It was strange walking there; wandering around in some strange neighborhood I've passed for years and yet have never really even looked at. It didn't take long for me to find the local pharmacy, though it was a good thing the boss had me go home early: the sign in the window said the place would close at five and I don't even get out of work until at least 6 PM. I bought two of them.  
  
It was a waste of money all the way around, but I had to see it with my own eyes. I must have looked like a total fool standing there in the line: my hands sweating profusely as I gripped those way expensive pregnancy tests.   
  
I must have stood in like for a good ten minutes. But it really wasn't so bad, really. The funny thing is that I've never really noticed how many babies there were around here. It seemed that every time I turned my head, I'd see another mother cradling a young child in her hands.  
  
I think I must have run out of the pharmacy the second I paid for those damn tests.  
  
Maybe I should have waited until I got home, but I couldn't help it. It didn't take me long to find a public bathroom and ripped the first box open.  
  
Five minutes later I was still standing there, staring down at the damn little blue stick. Funny thing is, I had the instructions right in front of my nose but for some reason, I just couldn't _read_ it. It must have stood there for forever, trying to remember... trying to understand what that little blue line meant.   
  
Until that moment, I never knew what the phrase "so happy I cried" meant. But god, it was a glorious feeling.  
  
I patted dry the test and shoved it in my purse.  
  
It was true. I was going to have a baby.  
  
_Me._   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
**Note:** Um. Let me take a minute to explain that Hitomi isn't quite _thinking_ yet. She's just responding to something that's a little bit of a miracle and the question of "How the hell did I get pregnant...?" hasn't even occured to her yet. But, I promise you, it will. Just hang in there and let me know what you think? Thanks! 


End file.
